array(1) { [0]=> string(0) "" } My Inner World

My Inner World

by Byron on January 6, 2024

Decker and Gibson-

I don’t write much here anymore.  It’s for good reason.  I like to spend my available non-work time either either being with you guys or, lately, playing tennis.

Being a Dad is a lot of work!  And I often feel like I’m not actually doing enough work.  There so much to teach you guys about life.  How to be a kind person.  How to be a hard worker.  How to win and how to lose.  And we’re just getting started!!

I don’t love being with you guys every second.  Sometimes it’s really hard.  When you guys are in a shitty mood or too tired or don’t give a shit about what I have to say, it’s hard.

But sometimes is literal heaven on earth.  I mean, literally.  As in, there’s nothing better.  As in, being with you guys is why I’m here on earth.

Much of time, it ranges from pretty great to incredibly great.

When I get tired or annoyed, I try to remember that some years from now – and maybe even sooner – I will long for these moments of your youth.  Many moments are so great that I feel them gone right as they are happening.  It makes me hold a little tighter.  Love a little more.

Mostly I don’t write because we’re busy doing stuff.  We’ve been so many places just in the last year.  We’ve played so much tennis together.  And basketball.  And gone to games.  And hung out.  And wandered around Bethany Beach.  And gotten used to a new house.  And we have dinner together almost every night.  I do my best to be present.

I’m far from a perfect Dad.  I get angry and frustrated and short-tempered.  I want you to both be happy and achieve and, occasionally, I try to shove both down your throats.  And that’s not the way it works.  I could be a better husband to your mother, too.  She deserves so much.  She is a great woman who does her best with you guys day in and day out and there’s so much beauty in that consistency.

You guys are nine and eleven and doing a pretty awesome job.  Taking in and processing life, yourselves, and the world around you is hard.  It’s a lot.  You guys are doing great.  If you are anchored in our families values – kind, courageous, honest, respectful and grateful – you are unstoppable.  Don’t get me wrong, sometimes I know it’s too hard on some days.  Always remember that no matter how hard a given day is, there are easier days in the future.  Life gives a fair amount of suffering, but never only suffering.  There’s a yin yang to it.  Hunter and Garcia say it better than I could in the words of Built to Last.

I want to write here more.  I know so much about my Dad, but now that he’s gone, I wish I knew more.  I’d love to know what he thought and how he felt more, especially in real time.  How did my memories of him and our time together sync up with his inner world?  I’d love to know more.  That’s why I’d like to write here more – so you guys can know my inner world if you want to.  We’ll see if I can make it happen.



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